stuff i think about.

13 weeks

Wed, 14 Mar 2012 03:17:57 -0400

and things are lookin pretty cute in there! ten fingers, ten toes. nice spine. big fetus brain. so far, so good.

yoga and crying and babies oh my.

Mon, 05 Mar 2012 03:04:00 -0500

Last night I cried a lot.

My insulin pumps finally came from the states. Thrilling because there’s a kid growing in my unreliable body and I’ve been pricking my fingers and poking myself with needles incessantly.

I strapped on a pump and tried to correct my still-high-for-no-reason blood sugar, and an hour later, pricked my index finger again.

still.high.

rage.

That’s when the waterworks happened.

I try to be all ‘hey man it’s all gunna be okay somehow’, but the TRUTH IS, I am worried sick.

D says if I am doing my very very best, then I have to be okay with whatever the outcome. I get where he is coming from, because obviously if I am doing ALL I CAN DO, then that’s ALL I CAN DO. But. I’m not okay with it. It’s not okay with me that my very best might not prevent my child from having some defect he’ll live with for forever.

I will admit that in the midst of those waterworks, I allowed my emotions to do a complete avalanche over my head. We’re talking irrational. I think I even said, “Diabetes is ruining my life.” Okay. Not my finest moment. I know it isn’t really ruining my life. And I know I am really fortunate to have it NOW, with so much great care available to me. (It is a little tougher in China, but no one made me come here.) See? I’m sounding pretty sane, right?

I just. I never cared like I do now. Before, a high reading was a high reading, can’t always avoid them, try as ya might, so inject yourself and keep on truckin. Now, a high reading feels like another ounce tipping the balance out of my baby’s favor. As best as I can isn’t good enough, and it makes me feel helpless and…what is that rumbling, deep, inconsolable frustration? It makes me feel ANGRY. I actually feel angry. How strange….

Anyways. I’m not in charge of this life or the next one, and the whole concept of my never really having been in control ever, whether or not I have acted like it, is slowllllyyyyy seeping in and sliiiightly sobering my wild mama-bear emotions. David is sorta right. Worrying doesn’t do anyone any good. It apparently releases some awesome (not awesome) stress hormones that can ALSO harm the baby. what the what. And it has also given me my very first white hair. Wow. Really? Really, biology? Hi. I’m TWENTY THREE. I need to drink some tea and take a yoga class and CHILL.

I read something late last night when I woke up for no reason. This girl Marta has had a miscarriage and a few years of infertility. She is pregnant again, now, and talked about releasing the strenuous grip on control, realizing she is not in control anyways, and just savoring the unbelievable joy of carrying a miracle. for any amount of time.

sigh. cool.

emotional.

Fri, 24 Feb 2012 00:29:00 -0500

today i sat in on my kids’ mandarin class, and literally had tears in my eyes watching and listening to them sing Chinese songs about birds and flowers and daddies and mommies. their sweet faces actually brought me to TEARS.

later, at outside play, i was watching the sky with clouds rollin’ in, and felt the humid air wrap all around me, and heard my class laughing and using more frequent english to talk to me and to each other, and i thought…how possible it would be to make a life here for my family. i could send my child to this wonderful school where my husband and i both have employment security (more or less), and my kid could be bilingual and love another culture…we could save money. be perfectly fine here. then…you guessed it. teary eyed with gratitude.

then….lunch time ended, the one oclock sleepiness set in with a vengeance, and since then i have felt a deep sorrow for no reason at all. it’s had my eyes brimming with tears.

pregnancy is making me a pretty leaky vessel.

highlights

Tue, 21 Feb 2012 00:41:00 -0500

My terror student hurt his last classmate last week, and no longer attends our school. In his place, a sweet Samuel Tan, who, during language class yesterday, said to me, (with heart breaking fear in his face) “But…I don’t know English.” (In Mandarin.) Today he is already saying “Thank you Thank you Thank You”, and, “Banana! Apple!” (Proud :))

Terry, a formerly PAINFULLY shy student, crept up behind me today and snuck a monkey finger puppet into my pocket. I haven’t taken it off since.

Yesterday I got to see my little baby on an ultrasound, moving like an acrobat in my stomach. How can you be so small, and so full of life?

The promise that the nausia will soon pass. Chinese doctors won’t prescribe any medicines to a pregnant woman, but a friend here has leftover nausia pills from her last pregnancy. Also, I’m going to start taking children’s chewables. Prenatals are making my already unbearable nausia worse. (Yay flintstones!)

I went to bed at 8 pm last night. And proceeded to sleep for the next 12 hours. Growing a person is hard work, yall.

My friend walked into my class after lunch and handed me a reeses peanut butter cup. “This is for Eisley.” (They don’t sell these treasures in China.) It was the best thing I’ve ever eaten.

My husband is a really good teacher.

criticism stinks.

Sun, 19 Feb 2012 07:14:54 -0500

but, sigh, it’s necessary.

thump thump, thump thump.

Thu, 16 Feb 2012 07:41:22 -0500

our sweet baby is still alive! this thing is ten weeks old, and already i feel like i could never be a prouder parent. what a fighter.

severe mercy. rest in peace.

Thu, 09 Feb 2012 00:07:01 -0500

I want to try to explain this phenomenon happening inside me. It’s something that is mine because I know Jesus. I know the Author of Life. I know the Author of the life that was inside me. To begin with, I feel distinctly empty. Hollowed out. Barren. Unmistakably, remarkably vacant.

I am in a new way profoundly comforted to know that Jesus was human. The knowledge that He wept at the loss of life wraps me up in the truth of the value of life. It tells me that we are not wired to experience death. We were meant for life.

I have been thinking about the phrase “Severe Mercy.” The mercy that redeems the traumatic and uses it as a tether to pull us nearer to Himself. It is the most bizarre thought I have ever had, to look at Jesus with vision blurred from all the crying and through eyes swollen from grief and to SEE so clearly how badly it is that I need to need Him.

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.”

It is crazy and yet it makes perfect sense- It is a gift to need, because the One you receive is the One you have been needing all along. I don’t want to ever say that my need to need Jesus is worth the loss of any life. But then I am in awe again at the reality of being a child of the Most High God. That my baby does not pass from life to death. She passes from life to the fullest life, in the arms of her heavenly Father. A better caretaker than I ever could have been on this earth.

And then I know that He is the Author of Life. I am convinced that His perfect plan would not have been tinged by the shock of death. He does not delight in death. He does not intend that any precious sweet innocent life be ended, or that His children are born into a fallen world where disease prevails and causes miscarriage. But He is the REDEEMER. He redeems this heart wrenching loss, and delivers into His own caring hand, where it is safe and loved eternal.

It occurred to me today in my second or third shower of the day, how DEEPLY CONVICTED I am of the ABSOLUTE TRUTH that the Lord LOVES my sweet baby. I know because He transfered that love into my heart at the start of her life. Knowing beyond knowing that He loves me is NEVER my default- because I am myself- we wrestle with our selves all the day; we know our shame and carry it on the earth. But I KNOW the unmovable love my Heavenly Father has for my sweet innocent baby. This little baby who never had eyes to see or ears to hear, who will never speak a word, what did she ever offer to the Lord? And yet with such care He took notice of her, loved her into existence and received her into His hand.

His love is free.

My heart is ripped apart, and I marvel at the mercy of the Lord Jesus to walk close to the broken hearted; to be broken hearted with them, and to love me so much as to both allow and arrive in the moment of my need.

Nesting, China style.

Fri, 13 Jan 2012 00:59:00 -0500

Our apartment is comin’ together. (Thank you, pinterest.) My friend introduced me to an ‘art store’, basically three aisles of paints, canvas and brushes tucked away on the third floor of a Chinese bookstore; who knew? ALSO there is a ‘hardware store’ that stocks spray paint, glue, scraps of wood, you get the idea, in a big garage across the road from our apartment complex. For kitchen and ‘house-y stuffs’, I frequent a little store called factory outlet, which looks like a giant storage room FULL of pottery barn and target items that never made it out of the country. All those ‘made in China’ stamps I’ve seen all my life are TOTALLY benefiting me over here. Where there is a will, there is a way!

My kiddos are learnin’ to speak english.(Again, thank you Pinterest. SO many borrowed ideas.) Occasionally driving me crazy, but then they bust out with something like, “Miss Jen is sooo silly!” and my heart is basically melted again.

I bought a used treadmill. Called Tuesday and it was delivered Wednesday. Unheard of in America, I think.

I’m learning to cook. Not being able to hop in my Yaris with my grocery list to buy english muffins and tortillas and pita bread and syrup and hummus and frozen fruit at Ralphs or Trader Joes has been a motivator. I NEVER thought that one day I would be a ‘kitchen’ person, but it is becoming one my favorite places. China is the perfect place to learn to make things from scratch. (I wonder if I will ever go back to pre-made cookie dough. I found the PERFECT recipe for Chinese-oven-baked cookies. I’ll make em again this weekend and take some pics of my oven. (The adult equivalent of an easy bake. Seriously.))

I guess in sum, I am making good food and making a pretty home, and with all that nesting, it’s a good thing I have my very own treadmill to keep things in check. Otherwise I would soon be ten hundred pounds.

Miss everybody!

How to Identify Toxic Friends

Tue, 20 Dec 2011 08:27:30 -0500

How to Identify Toxic Friends:

paleseptemberr:

Do you have a pal who reminds you more of a possessive boyfriend than a friend? Maybe Snow White’s stepmother or a huge butthead of a boss? I’ve had more than enough experience with these energy-suckers over the last twenty-odd years and if any of those examples are making your heart pump, there is a good chance you are dealing with the BP oil spill of your social life.

Take the friend you have in question, and ask yourself this: “How do they make me feel?”

If it’s anything that strays far from “UH-MAZING”, then your friendship needs some evaluating. Friends should leave you feeling inspired and happy. These are the people who are supposed to put you at ease, help you have fun and deal with the challenges of life. If a friend stresses you out, makes you feel like less of a person or exhausts you, then chances are the relationship is not a healthy one.

It’s sometimes hard to see it when you’re in it, so let me lay out these huge red flags:

Poisonous pals ARE NOT PALS AT ALL, and they often bear these traits:

Consistently Negative

There is always something wrong in this person’s life and there is always something to complain about. When it’s not their car/job/ex boyfriend ruining their life, then they make an effort to point out what they think is wrong in your life. Toxic friends will go out of their way to either boo-hoo or bring down, whether it’s how they’ll never find a job in this economy or reminding you of all the taxes that come with your new raise.

Have No Respect

These “friends” don’t give a hoot about your boundaries, your needs, or anything, for that matter. All they know is what they need from you and that they expect to get it. No is never an acceptable answer, even if you’re only blowing off your day at the beach together to go spend time with your father who has to undergo surgery for cancer. Seems logical to any normal empathetic person, but poisonous pals are not empathetic, they are selfish. If you ever feel that you can’t say no to them, even for a completely valid and fair reason, then it’s time to start planning your escape route.

Your Worst Critic

We’re hard enough on ourselves, we don’t need help from anyone else! Toxic friends get off on that sort of thing. They love scoffing at every out of place hair, putting down your significant other or attacking your latest attempt at a Blue Period. You see, real friends don’t care if your hair is messy. They respect your relationships and– get this– they support your ambitions. Staying in a “friendship” with someone who is constantly making you feel bad about yourself is destructive to every part of your life, even if it’s just having the confidence to get out on the dance floor. But when you have to take that big career risk, don’t you want a friend who’s there saying, “You can do it”?

Have A Tragedy Every Day

Poisonous people turn normal, every day problems into national disasters. There is always a pending crisis in these people’s lives, even if it’s just a roommate forgetting to put their sheets in dryer. Things like hitting red lights all the way home, which is just a part of five o’clock traffic to most of us, can ruin their entire evening. Their negativity spawns from the smallest thing and then spreads from there.

Always A Victim

In your friendship, does everything seem to be your fault, even if it defies all basic logic? Well, toxic friends have a way of never being guilty and never admit to even the smallest of infractions. There is nothing they can do wrong and any problems that they face were obviously caused by someone else. Poisonous people can’t take responsibility for their own actions and manipulate situations and people to pawn the blame on someone else.

If any of these remind you of one of your “friends,” chances are you are suffering from an unhealthy friendship. But on the inside, you probably already knew that. You know when you are being treated badly, it’s just about recognizing these people’s habits that hurt you and having the conviction to stand up for yourself. That’s the hard part, finally finding your voice and putting your foot down. Most of these toxic friends find ways to be controlling, manipulative and downright scary to challenge even when you know you’re in the right.

So, you realize you have to get out of the friendship, but how?

Here are some tips on safely getting out:

Don’t Cut Them Off All Of A Sudden.

This will probably just enrage them which will end up in a huge blow out that will also probably involve them trash talking you from here to Taiwan and making your life a general hell. It will only exacerbate the situation.

Don’t Try To Fix Them.

This is a lost cause that will just leave you exhausted from going in circles. As we already discussed, poisonous people are never at fault. They will find a way to be the victim again and manipulate their way back into control of the relationship. These people will never change until they want to change themselves.

Stick Up For Your Yourself.

This is easy once you start setting boundaries and being honest, which are not easy to put in place if you’ve been Drama Queen’s door mat for years, but it must be done. If your toxic friend invites you out and you want to stay in tonight and read, tell them that. Tell them you’ve set aside this time for your new book, a trip to the gym, a nice relaxing soak in the tub after a hard week and stick to it! You’re allowed to live your life on your accord and any friend will totally remember you had a terrible time dealing with lay offs at the office the past couple days and say “Enjoy yourself!”

Also, let these people know when you are not comfortable with the way they are acting. The more you speak up about how it bothers you that they are saying terrible things about your mutual friend, the derogatory things they say about your family or whatever other negative ways they impact you, the more strength you give yourself.

Spend Less Time With Them

Get busy. Focus more on school, work or making plans with some of your friends that are fun– anything that makes you happy! The more time you spend doing things you enjoy or hanging out with people that make you laugh your butt off, the easier it will be to say no to your toxic friend because you now know how easy it is to be happy and have a good time. The less time you spend with them, the less control they have on you.

Detach Emotionally

Now that you are more than aware of how this person is and you are becoming stronger everyday, the easier it will be to detach yourself from the situation and their negative energy. If you realize these are just unhappy people, the way they put you down or make you feel will not have the power it did before. You will be brave enough to walk away and let go, which is exactly what you need to do.

From there on out, only seek out people that make you feel loved and inspired and all the happiness in the world will be yours! Surround yourself with positivity and life will be positively fabulous!

december.

Fri, 02 Dec 2011 23:41:00 -0500

It’s december now, and just as promised, the cold weather completely snuck up on Dongguan.

With winter comes a certain melancholy which, to be honest, has been my companion for a few months, but which is only now appropriate because there is a chill in the air.

I wonder if loneliness in a newlywed is natural or acceptable. I’m not sure what it is….How far we are from home; the distance between what our life is and what we dream of turning it into; the sobriety of realizing we have made a life changing decision; the new reality of being known only a few inches deep, when, across the world there are friends who have trod in such depths of my heart which can only be accessed after years of walking with someone. I miss my home.

I think this loneliness is a lonely that company does not soothe. In the company of others my attention is only drawn to the distinct ache of something missing. Even now, I feel sad for a friend, but as soon as a friend comes I pine for a day to myself. This loneliness is impossible to please.

Being married, and being an amateur at it, I restlessly look to my husband to make me feel comforted. The fact is, my husband is only a person, and the soul’s span was created for Creator.

Don’t get me wrong; I’m not just making the common mistake of trying to fill a “God shaped hole” with human companionship. It’s something else…It’s tireless expectations I never knew I had; it’s having my dreams come true and still feeling a lack in my life; it’s wondering if I am on a solid path; it’s fear that I’m not. It’s a room full of questions that no one can enter, a room I thought surely my husband would one day join me in. I thought surely two will magically become one upon vows and, upon that union, suddenly there will be a living person who will fully understand, know, and care about each thought in my head. That, my friends, is apparently untrue. The mutual care for eachothers well being is definitely there, but the knowing will take time. Years, probably, and it will cost conflict and pain caused by disappointment and perceived indifference.

Not being known causes me to feel profoundly lonely. And there is One who knows me, but who now feels so far away. Like a myth, or a story, or an old flame. I can remember what His arms felt like, and the abandoned, total lack of inhibition kind of passion we shared, but despite how well I can recall it, the memory only stings now. He’s like a vapor, easily dispersed. He’s like those spots of light in your eyes that you can’t look directly at; the minute you try, they disappear.

Sexy.

Wed, 23 Nov 2011 00:58:01 -0500

Today a Philippino woman asked me if I was going to the gym, because I am ‘looking so sexy!’. I told her I am not sexy, I am a preschool teacher.

(I’m secretly flattered by this awkward compliment.)

latenightthoughts

Thu, 17 Nov 2011 22:26:59 -0500

He desires truth in my inmost being? That thought makes my spirit tremble in fear. I find myself Remembering Him and hurting over the void that lies there now, in the ‘inmost being’. Even when it feels like nothing, I so deeply feel that nothing. It’s a nothing that speaks so loud, like if you lost a tooth and the gum was all raw and exposed. The hole where nothing is tells me how deep and how full that something once was…And it just.aches. It’s striking to me how much empty we will endure. “Prone to wander, Lord I feel it…” Prone to leave, again and again. To less wild Lovers. To treasure less precious. To food that does not fill. To Fathers who do not love. To spend our wages on what is not necessary and what He has not called life. Jesus…I feel unclean saying His name, and yet just hearing it in my mind evokes this sliver of hope that I might be allowed near Him again, and that hope yanks at my empty aching heart. It is so much for a stiff and calloused heart to say, “I was wrong. It was me”, isn’t it?…It takes so long to say the truth about ourselves. Why is that? What are we afraid of…What am I afraid of? That He won’t have me back…I think that could be it; the thought of what could happen if I speak up and unveil my guilt…That I’ll be standing there, saying YEP! THIS IS WHAT I AM! And I’ll be left naked on the auction block in that condition, holding the bag, fully unclaimed. But… I am starting to feel like even that fear can’t keep me locked away anymore. Nothing seems to silence this… There is this distaste for the counterfeit faith that I wear like a cheap plastic mask, and then there is this sting from the failed attempt at being strong without Him. It is undeniable, especially here. Especially in this life with every weak fiber exposed. I NEED Him. Like medicine. Like water. Like air. What would happen if I was still enough again, and I turned my face toward Him? There is this teasing little hope that it might end up being the MOST relieving moment in history. In a place where the mind is convinced that it is hopeless, crying, “the light around me will be night!”, wouldn’t the rushing in of hope be just unbearably good? NO WONDER it would be called GOOD NEWS. Just…. The SWEETEST news- that He KNOWS us, that He HEARS us…Not just because we so desperately need to be known and so deeply long to be heard, but because we desperately need HIM to know us and HIM to receive us and we desperately need contact with HIM. I mean…I have heard and read and seen in small various ways His hand stretched out. In His word He speaks and backs are straightened and limbs are healed and disease is cured and sight is recovered. What about a nimble heart like mine, so prone to wander….? Matthew 8 is a story about a leper, the absolute untouchable in Jesus Christ’s culture. I feel like I used to identify with the disciple leanin’ up on Jesus, so intimate and familiar…To my core I know now that I am most definitely the untouchable. A leprous soul. “Jesus, if you are willing, you can make me clean…”Oh Jesus, if you are willing, my soul, this soul, cracked and appalling, can be restored to health and life in You. If you’ll have me, somehow. If You look into Your mind and will and find it there, it COULD come to pass. JESUS REACHES OUT, it says. HE REACHES OUT! “I am willing…Be clean.” .

I got my hair cut on Monday. This is the first documentation of...

Thu, 17 Nov 2011 07:30:00 -0500

I got my hair cut on Monday. This is the first documentation of said haircut. You know how those first few days are super awkward, despite the great smelling products stylists use on your do? Also, in the past 48 hours I lost my hairdryer, curling iron and flat iron to an ugly shortage. I should be wearing all black, because I am, in fact, in mourning.

me: “You’re really hot, I’m going to take a...

Thu, 17 Nov 2011 07:26:44 -0500

me: “You’re really hot, I’m going to take a picture of you.”

D: “What? Oh. You’re weird.”

Doin’ work at our fave place. For the free wi fi, mostly.

Happy Thursday night!

insatiable.

Thu, 17 Nov 2011 01:13:00 -0500

When I was in college, I dated a boy. I was pretty sure he was perfect, and I was also pretty sure that I was perfect. I was thin, (really thin), I had a decent enough relationship with the Lord, and I had long, naturally highlighted hair. I was tan, you know, and I was from California. And I was a Christian, probably God’s favorite. Of course a godly young man with big dreams and aspirations who treated me well would be smitten with me. He even did his HOMEWORK. Not figuratively. He really did his homework. All of it. Every assignment. I really thought that was the fulfillment of God’s Wonferful Plan for me.

In the beginning of that first semester, I held my own at school. I studied A LOT and made flash cards as though I had a neon fetish. And thennnnn. I got diabetes. It figures, because I had lost twenty or so pounds in three months. All that weight loss wasn’t from running a few laps around my dorm, you know? (I still thought I was huge.) That was probably the last time I will ever see that side of size four. Anyways…

I was sick. On top of that, insulin therapy left me 15 pounds heavier than I was before I lost all that weight. I felt disgusting and ugly. I was struggling and bitter. And my perfect boyfriend could see how not perfect I really was.

He broke up with me soon after. It didn’t take him long to find what I felt was my replacement- she was perfect. She had an autoimmune disease, too, only hers made her SMALL. Mine made me feel HUGE. She was godly and gorgeous and everything I thought I was to him before everything changed.

I think I haven’t felt as beautiful as that pursuit made me feel since then. And I think I have been looking in the wrong places for that affirmation for a long time. I think I have been comparing myself to that other woman ever since then- not because I want that ex-boyfriends love, but because I want to feel worthy of being pursued and loved like that.

So I have binged and purged. I have gone days on 1000 calories. I have tried diet pills. I have killed myself at the gym. And when I have felt discouraged and ugly, I have binged and purged again.

Losing weight and having long hair makes the yearning for approval in me a little quieter. But I think it is too fleeting of a thing to place so much great deep wide awful need in…..

I agree

Wed, 16 Nov 2011 22:38:06 -0500

How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes. I struggle to find any truth in your lies. And now my heart stumbles on things I don’t know. My weakness I feel I must finally show.

-Mumford and Sons

fadoodlyfiddle

Tue, 15 Nov 2011 00:59:00 -0500

My brain is a topsyturvy kinda place and the thoughts that roll around in there are super swirvywhirvy. I wanted to pick a few and make a blog in my down time today, but all i came up with was:

Things I Love:

Feeling special. (texts.dates.buttslaps.etc.)

Coffee shops that give you free stuff.

Good haircuts.

Clean houses.

Orangey-peachy-pumpkiny-berry-y fall colors.

Waking up without feeling like death.

Working out without feeling like death.

Getting on an airplane with a backpack full of magazines and pretzels.

Little tiny handprints.

When I wear sandals all day so that when I take them off my feet don’t smell.

Rare weekend mornings when I wake up before ten.

Packages from home.

Even though one doesn’t live there currently, I like thinking about the day when a a little pink baby will live inside my belly.

Christmas, but that’s not original. Well, I like Christmas at my grandma’s house. We’ll see how I do this year.

My favorite thing right now is when all my kids are asleep at nap time and the buzz in my head becomes a hum drum of pointless lists like this one.

You’re welcome :)

i’m fancy :)

Fri, 11 Nov 2011 23:44:17 -0500

i’m fancy :)

Photo

Fri, 11 Nov 2011 22:46:48 -0500

we are just breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys

Sat, 29 Oct 2011 05:07:00 -0400

that’s a lyric from an ingrid michaelson song.

she’s right, too, you know.

this week i was shocked by how easily something that looks fortified can be broken.

I think when I have been wounded it’s instinctive to expect the person who hurt me to come and heal me. But sometimes people hurt you when they aren’t trying to hurt you. Sometimes they hurt you because they’ve got a wound too. Sometimes when they hurt you unintentionally, they can’t come and fix you or even offer solace with an apology because admitting they failed would hurt them too much, and they’re busy holding their own wound together.

In that scenario, we have two choices. I have two choices. I can sit with my hurt and wait for whoever caused it. I could bleed to death waiting—

OR—MERCIFULLY, I can take my wound to Someone else. To the great, compassionate Physician. He can bind me up and send me back with the GRACE I need to leave my disappointment in His hands and release that person from the weight of having hurt me. He can provide me with MORE THAN ENOUGH grace.

I need to acknowledge that He sees where I can’t. He sees what I may never see. Maybe being hurt by that person had nothing to do WITH me. Maybe being rejected by them had nothing to do with me. Maybe something else is going on. This thought alone eases some of my hurt. It even evokes compassion. Isn’t that wildly mysterious? Where in my own strength I should be crouching over my wound and lashing out when it is poked, in His I can be healed and standing upright,open to care deeply, even about the person who hurt me in the first place. Amazing.

“Lean not on your own understanding.” My understanding is limited…. If I write people off as soon as they bring the threat of causing me pain, how can I ever be witness to the miracle of seeing them grow beyond what holds them in chains? So grateful for grace this week. I’m also exhausted and a little sore, but grateful.

We are so fragile

And our cracking bones make noise

And we are just

breakable

Girls and Boys.